Yesterday I took a test. Of course these things are never black and white. The test revealed a very faint line. I have taken this to mean that there are still pregnancy hormones in my system but they are receding. Because if there was still something viable there, then the line would be stronger, right?
You see I had started to allow my brain to have theories. Theories of vanishing twin syndrome or that I had passed a fibroid rather than my Little Pea. But when my hope gets the better of me like this, when it becomes a twisted version of reality, I am only building myself up for a fall. And I fall hard. And the task of getting back up again becomes far-reached.
So the test gave me some clue that this has really happened. My HGC levels are diminishing because my pregnancy has ended. But I wish that there had been no line at all. I wish that certainty could be mine.
Of course, that is also a lie. Because what I really wish is that I still had my Little Pea growing inside of me. That I could look forward to 3rd January 2018 and the birth of our second child.
So I am back to the reality of the situation. A faint line, not a certain line shows something is up. So I will re-test tomorrow morning and if I still get that faint line, then I will go to my scan on Thursday for the start of closure.
But that doesn’t mean the end of hope for me. I can still hope for another child. I can still hope to conceive and have a successful pregnancy, bearing a healthy child.
At the weekend, we went up to Lindisfarne. A chance to reconnect as a family. It was glorious weather and my little boy was excited to go in the sea. On Sunday we went to church and my ears pricked up at these words (Romans 5, if you are interested):
“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”
Now, I am a little on the fence when it comes to church. I don’t necessarily believe that following an organised religion is the be all and end all to being a good person. But I do believe that there are some very wise words in the Bible. And in the holy books and teachings of other religions too. Wise words can have a universal application, so whether you are religious or not, maybe these words will have relevance.
For me, these words rang true. My sufferings in life have brought me endurance. And it has built my character. And my character is what gives me hope. And hope doesn’t need to be shameful or embarrassing, no matter how unrealistic it might be. Because love helps nurture hope. And when you nurture hope, sometimes it grows strong enough to become a reality.
So that must be something. I can have my hope. Maybe not in that faint line. But in the future. I am allowed to hope for another child. And through love, I might just have that as a reality.